why I work

pic from here

huapakah ini?? semacam klarifikasi??
hehehe.. nggak kok, emangnya gue abis bikin sensasi atau kontroversi :P 
kebetulan, gue baru baca artikel tentang kembalinya para ibu ke dunia bekerja yang berjudul "The Opt-Out Generation Wants Back In."
artikel itu jadi bikin gue melihat yang terjadi di diri sendiri. gue yang tadinya dengan gagah berani menanggalkan gelar sebagai "working mom" demi memenuhi cita-cita idealis menjadi stay-at-home-mom (SAHM), kini justru kembali ke ranah full-time job. 
memang awal mula pergantian peran ini digerakkan oleh takdir (sekelumit di sini). tapi apa yang membuat gue memutuskan untuk jalan terus di "jalur" ibu bekerja, setidaknya sampai saat ini, adalah... 

- I wanted to see what it's like to step out of my comfort zone, once again, after almost 3 years of becoming an SAHM.
dengan memakai istilah "comfort zone", bukan berarti hari-hari sebagai SAHM melulu diisi dengan kenyamanan semata. oh tentu tidaak, karena jadi SAHM pun ada problema, dilema, dan dramanya hahaha. 
tapi, dengan caranya sendiri, peran sebagai SAHM seolah membangunkan cangkang untuk gue; gue 'terlindungi' dalam ruang lingkup yang seputar urusan rumah dan keluarga saja. nggak ada kepusingan menghadapi macet atau politik kantor, ataupun ketergantungan pada support systems. 
to be honest, waktu tiba-tiba dipanggil untuk kerja lagi sama kantor, gue ya nggak siap, termasuk untuk menghadapi semua risiko akibat melangkah keluar dari comfort zone. but then, kapan sih kita bisa bener-bener siap menghadapi perubahan?

- I work because I like the idea of earning a bigger income. 
for now, this is something my full-time job could provide. 
during my SAHM days, I did stuff that could cater my passion and, fortunately, could gain a decent income from it. even though the money was in lesser amount than what I used to earn from my office work, but the fact that I could still earn money no matter what title I hold, had taught me something. I first read about the term "portable equity" from Rene Suhardono's book; it is something not attached to what or where we work, and includes the integrity, track record, network, and skills we have. 
knowing I've been having this portable equity all along gives me confidence to work as a freelancer, also to pursue my passion. 

however, when I was offered my old job back, it felt kinda wrong to pass it up. again, setidaknya untuk saat ini. 
gue tau pengorbanan yang dibutuhkan untuk jadi working mom lagi juga akan lebih besar. dari segi finansial, ini bisa diukur - pastinya bukan dari waktu dan kebersamaan dengan anak yang memang nggak bisa diukur nilainya, yah - tapi dengan menghitung berapa sisa gaji gue setelah dikurangi biaya support system. 
setelah menilik 'raport' kondisi keuangan keluarga, kesempatan untuk balik lagi memang terasa 'benar.' kita lagi butuh suntikan likuiditas, mengingat Adit lagi menjalani pendidikan S2 dengan biaya pribadi (bisa di"reimburse" sih ke kantor, asal lulus tepat waktu hehe), dan setoran dana darurat kita juga banyak bolongnya. 

di sisi lain, juga ada faedah secara finansial yang bisa dipetik dari pengalaman sebagai SAHM. remeh-temeh aja, sih, kalau di kasus gue, kayak jadi terbiasa nggak belanja-belanja nggak penting (derajat kepentingannya tentulah relatip), jadi lebih doyan makanan rumah, dan jadi kangen melulu sama rumah hahaha. secara nggak langsung, hal-hal ini semacam bisa mengerem hasrat spending gue saat menikmati bigger income lagi. 


- lastly, I work because I choose to, even though i know it's not gonna be easy - just like what I have experienced for 8 years before I decided to quit. 
I realize that, as a woman, I am expected, demanded even, to "have it ALL." 
from what I have experienced personally, that outrageous demand made me feel like I needed to prove something. not to just myself, but to everybody in the world. I did what it took that I thought would PROVE my worth: I believe I could manage working, while raising a kid, while being a 'completely fulfilled' human being (the benchmark of being 'fulfilled?' well, only stuff seen from the outside: I seemed to secure an appropriate job, have a nice little family, could afford my life, etc). 
but what did that do to me? after 3 years of trying to prove, I was left broken and beaten down.
that's why I chose to quit. albeit temporarily. 

if this doesn't ensure how mythical the concept of "having it all" is, then I don't know what will

fast forward to 3 years later, here I am, reentering the workforce. only, there's a huge difference this time.
first, now I am 'equipped' with dependable support-systems (even though it comes with risks, like everything else in this world does).

second, now I bear down-to-earth and, hopefully, manageable expectations: I realize I would need to be better at juggling, also to get good at discomfort. because no matter what I choose, I will be tested. it's just how this world works. 

third, I think this is what I need to do at this stage of my life. I no longer feel the need to prove anything to anyone. and neither should any mother... you shouldn't work because you need to prove that you matter, or that you are "productive," or that you are WORTH the praise, the gold medal, or a mug branded with "to the BEST mother in the world." we deserve it all already, whatever choice we make. because as I said, every choice we make comes with risks, and here we are, facing those risks.

pic from here

di sini, I don't speak for everyone. I write what I know, armed with my condition, background, experiences, hopes, expectations, and fears. cukup tau dirilah untuk nggak merasa apapun yang gue pilih sudah benar hahaha... because I am merely a human who is constantly trying to figure life out. 

how about you, fellow mothers out there? 
why choose to work (full-time, or part-time)? or why choose not to? 

pic from here