dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya kepada
pohon berbunga itu
tak ada yang bijak lebih dari hujan bulan juni
dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya yang ragu-ragu
di jalan itu
tak ada yang arif lebih dari hujan bulan juni
dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan diserap akar
pohon bunga itu..."
june was a very strange month for me.
i lost a best friend.
he wasn't sick or anything.
he went to his campus that morning. he walked up in front of his class to present his report, and afterwards, he sat down. he seemed a bit dizzy, but when his friend asked him whether he's alright, he said he's fine.
just a minute later, he collapsed.
it was later found out that his heart stopped working. just like that.
seperti biasa, kepala atau logika yang lebih dulu mengambil alih 'kemudi' untuk memaknai. it was not logical. i know people die everyday... but why him? why now?
he couldn't even say a proper goodbye.
sampai kalbu pelan-pelan menelusup di tengah rasa marah dan kesedihan...
maybe his sudden departure can be seen as something that life's trying to teach me about. that, no matter hard or thorough you've been preparing yourself for all the wildest scenarios, it will still hit you like a hurricane on a calm, harmless morning. or in my case, on an idle thursday afternoon. when you're thinking that you are finally being okay, and your loved ones are safe wherever they are, and there's nothing else in this world that you need aside from that fact and simple basic needs like a comfortable means of transport, a decent job that pays the bill, and a good night sleep.
and that maybe people are dispensable. that we don't belong to this earth. that we're only here for a while. that we don't have forever. we only have the rest of our lives.
and that made me realize how the younger a person is, the more often they will use phrases like "for the rest of my life" atau frase lain sejenis, yang dipakai dalam kalimat-kalimat kayak,
"I love him forever and ever," or
"We'll never get along, not for the rest of my life" or
"We are sooo gonna be friends until the rest of our lives."
how very... gullible, isn't it?
baru sekarang gue bisa menilai begitu. betapa kata-kata itu menunjukkan pemikiran yang begitu gullible, dan naif, karena kurangnya pengalaman hidup. iya sekarang, setelah sudah "berumur," sudah puluhan kali janjian sebatas wacana ("Tak ada teman / telah terpencar" kata Pure Saturday), dan sudah mengalami ujung-ujungnya berteman dengan orang yang dulunya disebelin.
tapi bukan berarti sekarang frase-frase tadi sama sekali nggak pernah terucap. deep within, I still belive some things will last forever (and ever).
contohnya persahabatan yang gue miliki dengan dia... weich.
bisa dibilang, I have always believed that there would always be me and him. apapun yang terjadi. teman-teman, bahkan sahabat-sahabat lain bisa come and go. bisa jadi strangers. tapi kami? I believed we were gonna be friends for the rest of our lives.
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
tapi, bukankah manusia memang seperti itu? we want things to go the way we expect them to. kita bahkan berpikir sudah seharusnya dunia berjalan seperti yang kita rencanakan. maybe it's a simple, blind confidence, that engrosses us like a plague.
seperti yang juga menjangkiti gue; gue yakin hidup akan berjalan "sebagaimana mestinya." gue dan weich terus bertumbuh bersama just like we had been doing for this past 20 years. gue akan menyaksikan weich menikah with whoever the bride or the groom is, just like he did when I got married on 2007. gue akan mendampingi dia membesarkan anak-anaknya kelak, jadi "onti kome" just like he had been "paman weich" buat bumy.
sampai lalu suatu hari terbukti semua itu nggak akan pernah bisa terjadi.
weich had passed away.
yes, weich, MY weich.
masih teringat dengan jelas, gimana di kamis sore itu gue sedang bersama teman-teman toastmasters menuju venue buka bersama. iseng membuka aplikasi path, gue temukan echa, teman kantor weich, menulis status mengajak mendoakan kesembuhan weich. she wrote "Tio" so I was like, "maksudlo Tio = Weich? dia kenapa??" to which she answered, "iya, Setio. dia kena serangan jantung tadi pagi."
what. the. hell. i thought...
what, is this a joke??
tapi gue tau echa wouldn't joke about such thing. it'd be too cruel.
sesudah membaca itu, gue bengong... sampai temen yang nyetir mobil salah masuk parkir karena gue nggak menjalankan 'tugas' selaku penunjuk jalan. hampir secara otomatis gue mengirimkan pesan ke weich via whatsapp, hanya untuk bertanya "cin lo gimanaaaa??" I still believed he would reply, maybe not immediately, but he would. soon.
di sisi lain, ada satu hal yang baru gue pahami tentang diri gue.. betapa ternyata ada semacam kompartemen-kompartemen emosi di diri gue. saat itu, I could manage to go on with the bukber, bisa ngobrol-ngobrol seru, ketawa-ketawa. padahal dalam hati gue kalut mikirin kabar weich.
meskipun begitu, jujurnya, there was still a glimpse of optimism in my heart. gue somehow yakin kejadian ini akan 'berlalu' dan weich bisa tertangani dengan baik karena dia langsung dibawa ke RS sesaat setelah serangan tsb terjadi.
tapi bisa jadi saat itu gue belum sepenuhnya 'sadar' akan apa yang terjadi... karena begitu sampai di rumah, udah bersih-bersih, udah nangkring di ranjang, baru deh terasa... betapa gue sangat TAKUT kehilangan weich. betapa gue SEDIH ini harus menimpa dia. betapa gue dibuat KHAWATIR tentang apa yang akan terjadi selanjutnya.
barulah gue bisa nangis...
aneh juga saat menyadari kalau beberapa minggu belakangan gue memasang gambar bertuliskan "life is short. stay awake for it" sebagai profile picture di whatsapp. mungkin terdengar kurang masuk akal, tapi entah kenapa terasa sangat relevan dengan kejadian yang menimpa weich hari itu.
bener-bener baru paginya gue me-remove gambar itu. ya lagi-lagi entah kenapa.
gue cuma inget merasakan a rush of desire to "do the things I've always felt scared of."
gue bahkan menuliskan satu demi satu hal-hal apa yang termasuk kategori tersebut, seperti naik haji... punya anak kedua... kuliah lagi... dll.
things that have been my 'monsters.' karena cuma membayangkan melakukan hal-hal itu aja membuat gue ingin berlari kabur.
but why on THAT particular morning, gue merasa sudah saatnya menghadapi monster-monster jiwa itu?
lalu sorenya gue mendengar berita tentang weich. bagaimana dia tiba-tiba mengalami serangan jantung.. in the middle of our oh-so-young life...
gue tau betapa weich sudah berjuang untuk mencapai mimpi-mimpinya, salah satunya adalah mewujudkan goalnya kuliah di sydney ini. he had beaten one of his monsters! gimana dengan berdarah-darah dia belajar english buat meraih skor IELTS yang qualified. gimana dia menata hidupnya hingga bisa kaya sekarang. gimana dia bisa menjadi dirinya saat ini yang 'genah,' yang kritis, yang wise...
and that's exactly why I need him to stay with me... because I need him to help me face my monsters.
just like what he's been doing ever since we were TWELVE. oh God...
gue bisa membayangkan dia memutar bola mata mendengar permintaan gue ini, dan berkata, "Chomeyyy, selalu deh ya! you are such a selfish bitch!"
but he knew how demanding I could be and that never bothered him. because we are MORE than just any person to each other.
we are US. what can I say, it always feels like we are one soul divided into two bodies.
"it's like you're my mirror / I couldn't get any better with anyone else beside me..."
and that's when I truly realized, that life is, indeed stupidly short. and we needed each other to go through it....
tapi.. jika Allah berkehendak, maka manusia hanya bisa ikhlas menerimanya. hari sabtu jam 11 siang, gue menerima kabar that weich had passed away. his struggle was over.
and there's nothing that i could do but to accept it.
but to live life like i hadn't lost a limb...
twenty years. twenty fucking years.
we've made so many memories, countless laughter, fights, and hugs... but still it's not enough.
there's still so many people i want to introduce him with. still so many thoughts ands ideas i need to share with him. there's still too much love i need to show him.
but... how ungrateful would that make me be?
how more tortured could i get?
i'm sure that's not what God intended for me... not for him also...
he left with dignity. dalam keadaan yang mulia... dalam kondisi sangat sangat bahagia dan puas sama hidupnya. how many people have that kind of privilege, to feel content and satisfied and GRATEFUL for their life?
ketetapan Allah pastilah yang terbaik. karena dari Zat yang Maha Suci tidak akan lahir suatu keburukan.
later on, i noticed how on the farewell video he made before he departed to sydney, he quoted words from Arisan! 2 the movie,
"teman, selalu datang dan pergi... hanya teman sejati yang selalu di hati
saat teman ada di sisi, itu adalah anugerah... dan, saatnya untuk dinikmati,"
...and how he closed the video with a prayer,
"Semoga, jika diijinkan Tuhan, kita bisa bersama lagi," with his gentle, soft voice.
which i kept listening to over and over again.
so long, my golden bestfriend.
i have no regrets for everything we had been through. if there is a chance for me to repeat this life i'd shared with you, i'd take it without a doubt.
but not to change a thing... simply just to feel everything twice.
Setio yang baik hati... yang lembut... yang penyayang... yang sabar menghadapi gue... yang selalu mau BERUSAHA meluangkan waktu dan berletih-letih membelah ketidakramahan jakarta untuk bertemu gue. yang gue hubungi kalau butuh ketawa. yang cuma perlu berkomunikasi sama gue lewat tatapan mata and we would instantly know what's on each other's mind.
i could write a hundred pages just to show how much i know about him and how a thousand things could remind me of him, but... it really doesn't matter. he'll always be on my mind. he always has been my inspiration. and it is a blessing to have known him and enjoyed his company.
he has given the world something.
and if that's all there is, maybe it was enough.
*
*
*
in loving memory of Setio Nugroho (1983 - 2016)
