what i talk about when i talk about love

september sudah di ujung perjalanan. entah kenapa ini membuat gue terpikir tentang suatu hal yang, seperti biasa, random. yaitu, kalau gue bisa bikin tato, beberapa tato yang bentuknya tulisan, kata apa yang mau gue torehkan di badan?

i thought about the answer for a while. until i finally got some.

first, it would be "tender."
alasan paling awal yang muncul di kepala sih, karena gue cinta blur. dan nulis "blur" would be too obvious, deh. (seperti dulu gue ngebordir papan nama "blur" buat disematkan di seragam SMA, haha). but why that particular song? padahal gue nggak begitu suka sama album "13."
hm mungkin karena lagu itu terdiri dari satu kata doang, jadi singkat padat jelas. tapi ada satu alasan sentimentil lagi, sih.
beberapa waktu belakangan, bumy suka banget lagu blur yang ini. gue (berusaha) gak melebih-lebihkan, tapi setiap kali masuk mobil dan mulai berkendara, dia ngotot minta disetelin lagu ini. dia bilang, "lagunya blur, ma!" atau "o mai bebi, ma!" yang bikin makin berbunga-bunga, permintaannya ditambahi dengan, "bumy suka banget lagunya, ma!"
melayang deh guee :)))
i have to admit kalo gue pernah memberikan preambule ke bumy sebelum nyetelin lagu "tender", duluuu banget, lebih tepatnya pasca konser #blurjkt. gue ceritakan dengan berapi-api "mama nangis pas lagu ini, my!" 

lantas si anak memancing, "mama teriak-teriak gak nyanyinya?" yang tentunya dijawab dengan, "teriak-teriak sambil NANGIS! nangis bahagia!!"
hkahakhak. fase awal meracuni anak dengan selera pribadi never starts too early.

sampai lalu si anak sendiri bener-bener suka beneran (repetisi! selalu lebayy kalo bahas kesukaan), dan ya begitu, maksa minta disetelin "tender" dan nyanyi-nyanyi sendiri, eh berdua sama gue.
so, in a way, alasan sentimentil satu lagi itu adalah karena anak gue suka lagu ini. putting the word "tender" as a tattoo would be some kind of monument of my love for him, and his love for the song (slash me? hehe). and also my love for the band's music. komplit.

"tender is the night lying by your side

tender is the touch of someone that you love too much 

tender is the day the demons go away..."

and then, there's a second word. yes, to be put on as a tattoo. it's "september." or i might shorten it to just "sept" for technical reasons (terbayang jika ditato beneran bakalan legit tuh rasanya).

the month stored some really remarkable events, or even turning points, of my life.
one of them is the passing of my uncle. he is my uncle, but he was only six years older than me. in fact i called him "uda" because he didn't fit to be called with "om." we were so close. he was like an older brother to me. i remember the most colorful days of my childhood with him in it. he was a mischievous kid, but totally in a good way. so we had a lot of fun times together.
i remember a day before he passed, he called or maybe i called to my grandma's house, and he told me that he landed his first job. we--my sister debster and i--were so thrilled to hear that, and we asked him to "ke sini dong, traktir kita!!" to which he said, "iya, malem minggu uda ke tangerang, uda bawain sate padang."
and then, the next thing i remember was a day after that conversation, being woken up at 2 in the morning, by my aunt who happened to stay at our house that night. she said exactly this sentence: "ka, bangun, ka. uda heri udah gak ada."
i sat on my bed, and couldn't think of anything. i couldn't feel anything, either. my mind was empty, and i couldn't figure out why i couldn't cry.

i didn't even go to his funeral. the reason for my not coming was a bit fabricated. there was a school event i needed to attend, an extracurricular activity, actually. and my mom told me i should just come to school instead of the funeral. so i never told him goodbye.
after a few years, i commemorated this event with a loathing feeling towards the month september. it reminded me with a loss, a loss i couldn't have yet accepted and made peace with. when september came, it felt like there's a pang on my chest. although i'm glad to say those hard times are surpassed by now.

another turning point that happened on september, is what made me love this following song so much.
i heard the song coincidentally at the time of the event, it was a beautiful song with heartfelt sadness, and eerily, the title is "september." it totally felt like a revelation to me; my apprehending of the song, and how corresponding the lyrics and the nuance of the song were to what i was dealing.

"then came september, again
i'm ready for a new start.
it's just the time of the year when everything seems so clear.

on the sunny day now, i turn my back on disaster.
i'll try a new way now.
i couldn't get there much faster.

one late september, again
a time to face all your fears.
let's just get used to the speed and there's no place for the tears.

and you know, in september, all the world is smiling.
so hard to remember the last years have been flying.

on the sunny day now, i turn my back on disaster.
i'll try a new way now.
i couldn't get there much faster." ("September" by The Charade)

september is momentous because it's when i bid adieu's to what or who used to be so significant in my life. one forever, one for better.

therefore, i can conclude that the tattoos would be mementos for love. love that is lost, and love that is gained. if i can't have them on my body, then 'tis my heart they would be forever engraved in.