the cuckoo's nest

some places just capture your heart and make it an eternal prisoner.
some mundane, unexpected, places....

that's how i felt earlier tonight.
sore ini, secara agak impulsif, gue mengabari tia, sohib lama dari jaman kuliah, kalau gue akan datang ke rumahnya, untuk mengambil titipan. she has relocated from singapore for months now, tapi kita belum juga sukses serah terima titipan. jadi gue putuskan mampir ke rumah tia sekembalinya dari gandaria city. because i'd pass her house on my way back from the mall.

sayangnya, saat menuju rumah tia, handphone gue kehabisan daya. kabel chargerpun tak dibawa.
mau nelpon tapi nomor telponnya ada di handphone matek itu. akhirnya gue mengandalkan ingatan aja untuk menemukan rumah tia di belantara fatmawati.

pertama-tama, adit salah pilih gang. ngotot sih diaa. padahal gue yakin bukan itu gangnya. akhirnya kita puter balik, dan memilih gang ke-dua. saat udah dilewati, gue kok nggak menemukan rumah tia pada posisi yang gue yakini rumahnya berada?
akhirnya kita putar balik lagi. kali ini jarak memutarnya cukup jauh.
ketika sampai lagi di jalan utama, kok nggak ada belokan lagi setelah belokan ke-dua (yang dianggap salah) tadi? jadi kita terpaksa putar balik, dan masuk ke gang ke-dua lagi.

kali ini, gue minta adit minggir aja, jadi gue bisa jalan kaki menyusuri rumah-rumah di situ, sekalian nanya ke orang. tapi nggak ada yang tau, bok.
until i tried my luck to knock on one house's fence, altough i was only about 30% sure i picked the right house. because it looked a lot different than how i remember it.

tak disangka, ternyata tia yang keluar dari rumah itu. olala!
she said she's been waiting for me to call her, tapi ya gemana, boro-boro hp gue bisa dinyalain. she brought me inside, and called up her mom. yes, i know her mom, and it's been awhile since i last met her. she greeted me warmly, as she always did.
being inside the house, i noticed it had changed. the room felt bigger, and seemed a lot brighter than i remembered.
i wasn't there too long. maybe only for 5 minutes.

as we rode away, a flood of emotions suddenly came over me.
i said to adit, "tau nggak, ada tempat-tempat yang, tanpa disangka-sangka, terasa nyamaaan banget di hati kalo kita inget tempat itu?"
he glanced at me a little, not saying anything, and just waited for me to talk more.

gue jelasin, kalau salah satu dari tempat-tempat itu bagi gue, adalah rumah tia. it's kinda weird, actually. this longing, warm feeling i have. i haven't been there for ages. and i think i have never missed the place. until i was actually there 5 minutes ago.

entah kenapa... mungkin karena gue seriiing banget singgah dan nginap di situ jaman nyusun skripsi dulu.
see, gue, tia, dan one other friend, nene, was on the same "tim skripsi." i remember night after night spent there to make up intellectual terms, programming, solving crazy logics, and just talk and talk 'til 1 am.
i also remember how i really loved it there. to be in tia's room, with big beds put down on the floor, and books scattered. the way the room's a bit cold, with soft white sheets, and fluffy mattresses and pillows, and how comfy it was.

besides that, i also vividly remember how tia's mom greeted us warmly (the way she just did now), and offered us dinner. and i remember having this warm, comfortable, yet also odd feeling, when tia's (late) dad and mom drove the three of us to campus on a rainy morning. we were cramming at the back seat. i could recall looking outside from the wet, dappled car window. the street was packed with motorcycles, and i think we were somewhere near permata hijau. the street light was turning green, and i was thinking, "i'm gonna remember this moment."
and now i do. vividly.

it is odd. i know tia's gonna say "aneh banget deh lu, chom!" if she reads this.
yeah, i know that. because it's one of the fleeting moments, seemingly so insignificant and passable. and random.
and now i found myself asking again, why (that moment, and why tia's house)?

so i contemplated. maybe... because it was one of those 'magical' moments, where one felt safe and sound and comfortable with oneself.
i was with my friends, sat very closely next to each other, and the weather was nice--gloomy, but nice, the kind of weather that i love. and i was thinking how very nice of tia's parents to cater us and give us a ride.
and there's one other thing. i remember how during those times i used to sleepover at tia's, i was going through a turbulence, mentally. i was having a lot of anxiety, and turmoil in my heart. it was the phase where i felt so unsure of who i was, and what was i supposed to do in this world. i didn't know who i should be. and whether things i had been loving and doing were right or wrong. i had no direction, no guidance, no safehouse.
it was the times before i decided to wear jilbab and shocked everyone. ha.
it was when i felt this strange and pounding feeling of wanting to know my religion, and my roots, more. and when i was shaken by my parents' rejection towards my (as it seemed to them) strange behaviour and new interest. it was when i felt like noone understood nor supported me.

but at tia's, i found the comfort and the hiding place that could shelter me from those uncomfortable feelings. no mom sneaking up on me. and i could forget my anxiety because we -- tia, nene, and i -- rarely talked about those 'deep,' mental stuff. instead we studied, argued over our programme, and gossiped. and i also got to be with my friends all the time. i was not alone, in my room, supressed with my thoughts and anxiety and fear.

so i guess that's why. the reason for my being sentimental and the overfondness towards tia's house. because it was MY safehouse. turned out, the feeling it produced stuck way waaay deeper than i thought it did.

hmm... i'm glad i went there tonight.

...and now i can only think of what Len Jenshel the photographer said on the Natgeo show i just watched,

"It (photography-ed) teaches me so much about my world, but it also teaches me so much about myself.
It's a window looking into the world, but it's also a mirror shining right back into who I am."

the "it" in his wise words would apply in my case as "my memory."
it is the mirror that's  shining right back to who i am. the kind of mess i was, and the kind of, well... ordered-mess i am now. hehe.