one day at a time

these are the thoughts 
that go through my head
in my dining room on a wednesday afternoon
when I'm alone with the baby (and the maid) 
and I have nowhere else to be, but here.

hidup bersama newborn memang membuat dunia jungkir balik.
dunia gue, setidaknya. gak tau orang lain.

satu waktu, rasanya seperti diisi total chaos.
kurang tidur. mood berantakan. badan pegel-pegel kaya abis lari maraton. hating the sight of yourself on the mirror. kesepian dan merasa terisolasi. meratap diam-diam minta dianugrahi kesabaran oleh Allah. and the worrying, oh God, the constant worrying.
at one point, you'd even dare ask, why would anyone nambah anak?

hamil, beranak, dan ngurus anak is sure as hell melelahkan dan merepotkan.
bahkan bumy berkomentar "I never want to have kids." I won't say an amen to that, but that proves how even a kid gets how tiring it is.
but somehow, I'm still thriving, trying not to screw up in raising this second kid.
(or have I started my way on screwing things up?)

lalu di lain waktu, things just feel... right. no not perfect, because it's never perfect.
entah bagaimana, seperti ada harmoni yang menenangkan di tengah semua hal yang "tidak pada tempatnya."
you can just sense it, like the wind on your skin.
just like right now. just like today.

hari dimulai dengan terburu-buru, karena gue harus meeting sama tim startup di tengah jakarta. bayi diangkut tanpa mandi. dengan kalut mengangkut pompa asi, blue ice, kantong asi, diaper bag, dan berdoa sebisa mungkin sudah mengangkut semua yang diperlukan. baru masuk mobil aja rasanya udah capek. tapi, sepanjang perjalanan sam mau anteng digendong adit. gue jadi bisa dandan, makan, ngobrol sama bumy, dan nelpon adinda debsterbun yang lagi ultah untuk dinyanyiin hepi bersdey tu yu oleh bumy sambil teriak-teriak.
menjelang sampai di tempat meeting, perut krucuk-krucuk. eh ternyata bisa sarapan buffet di situ cuma seharga 50 ribu. jadilah gue bisa menikmati toast, buah-buahan, nasi goreng, mie ayam (yes another carbo), sampai bubur ketan hitam hahaha.
tadi adalah meeting pertama dengan tim setelah hampir 3 bulan gue menghilang dari radar, we've got so so so much to be done. banyak banget PR dan beban di pundak!
tapi entahlah, it feels like there's a lightness in my heart. mungkin karena interaksi sama temen-temen satu tim yang emang bawaannya riang dan optimis. it's just a little thing, but such a blessing.

hore meeting cuma sejam! gue dan sam pun dibawa pak supir balik ke rumah. sempat kepikiran mau ina-inu jajan dulu, tapi ah... kangen kasur.
and then when we're already at home, the rain fell.
ngobrol sama bayi di kasur. (I made up this song which lyrics go like, "sayang-sayangan / tatap-tatapan / gendong-gendongan / itulah mama dan sam / sepanjang hariiii" gue ngakak dan merasa bodoh tiap abis nyanyiin but hey a mother can do whatever to get thru the day!)
dia sempat rungsing nangis-nangis, tapi kita bisa nap sambil berpelukan hampir 2 jam. which is heavenly!
trus kayanya adit diem-diem mau ngasi kejutan: dia pulcep tanpa bilang-bilang. tapi dibocorin sama supir gue, hahaha, pas gue nelpon pak nun dengan riang bilang "saya udah di cilandak nih bu, sama bapak juga." yaaaayyyy.

tapiiii ternyata pulang-pulang bumy sakit. badan anget, sakit kepala, ngeluh pegal-pegal. so it's time to babysit the big kid. fiuh.
jam 6, si sulung udah mandi makan dan diolesin vicks sebadan. diselimutin di kamar sambil diuapin peppermint. sam dibobokin bapaknya. dan gue akhirnya bisa me time: mandi keramassss tanpa interupsi hahaha.

and then the clock hits 8 pm.
gue ngeteh sambil makan roti gambang dan nonton hyori's bed and breakfast di netflix. bumy adit sam tidur pelukan bertiga.
like i said, it's not perfect, but it's ok.
a woman's work is never done anyway, so i'll just chew it one bite at a time.

why is it so hard to be objective about myself?
why do I feel cellularly alone?
am I supposed to live in this crazy city?

oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouth when it gets too close to home? 
why cannot I live in the moment? 
~~ ("These are the Thoughts" by Alanis Morissette)