where youth and laughter go

it's almost november. all of a sudden, it's nearing the brink of a whole new year.

instead of being bothered by the realization of my new year resolutions, i am putting some serious thoughts on turning thirty. you see, in shaa Allah i'd turn to big three-o this december.  

to tell you the truth, to me it's more scary than exciting. i'm like, "dang… i'll be thirty already? i'm grateful for having been living this long. but… does that mean i should be a highly-functioning, mature, rational adult?"

if the answer is yes, then how come i'm still mesmerized by the memories of my high school years? how come i'm still this silly, moody, anxious, little girl inside? i know i'm a woman bearing one child in reality. but mentally, i think i'm a forever-13-year-old!

to give myself a little comparison, i remember when my mom and dad were in their thirties. aside from the fact that they looked much younger (lol), i can also recall the sense of their struggle. 

they hadn't had much in terms of material possession but they worked diligently. they came from blue-collar background, were provided only with high-school level of education, but they could land promising government-owned jobs. they worked hard and never complained. they never thought about getting a new job. they earned each rupiah hard and they were thankful. 

our family didn't even have a car. but i remember we celebrated our birthdays every year, got five pieces of new outfits every lebaran, and never worried about basic necessities.

we didn't travel much. our farthest trip was to jogja when i was in the 3rd grade. in the other years it was merely bandung and carita. 

they had two kids by the time my mom was 32. they didn't put much thought about raising children. or about nurturing their relationship. they simply set some ground rules and they do it instinctively. 

the way i see it is, like, my mom and dad slipped into their forties abruptly. i didn't notice any significant difference of their transformation. it's like they're suddenly becoming THIS old. 
it seems like after thirty, you don't remark any other big, meaningful milestones. life just folds onto you without any warning. senility just will come crushing and turning you into an old bloke overnight.  

...so here i am now, a bit jittery about being thirty. 

with the way we are living now, with social medias and the internet as daily consumptions, being thirty is 'told' as being such a big deal. not that i'm blaming them entirely. i mean, i've read articles about "30 things you should know when you're 30" and others alike, describing thoroughly about what we should've achieved, what we should've understood, where we should've been.  

even without those articles encouraging my nervousness, i would still be critical towards myself and my achievements. 

turns out, i'm not alone in feeling this way about facing the upcoming decade. 

my best cat friend, kiti, told me the other day that she felt the anxiety, too (fyi, she turned 30 last june. cheers, dear!). she told me that she wrote a letter as a medium for her contemplation, her self-reflection, and also as a record of her 20's life. 
she said it could make her feel at ease. finally at ease, and able to face the big three-o calmly, serenely, and gratefully. 

sounds like a nice tip, huh?

so, let's see, within the last decade, i have

- finished my education studying something i didn't think i would be trapped to work in... i mean i love IT, with its calculus, physics, logics and stuff. but it kinda trapped me into a "stereotype" work-wise. 

- had a nice "masa muda," tried to figure out lives cluelessly.  

- tau-tau pake jilbab. hahaha. 

- worked at three places, all of which i've learned valuable lessons from, specifically and most importantly is how i dread office work. 

- made seriously stupid mistakes. 

- tried to be the kind of person i wasn't comfortable with just to impress some people. some people i didn't even like. 

- found a boy who loves me and happens to be a reallllly great guy. 

- been living the married life, well, not so smoothly and successfully at times. but i'm trying to. turns out that it's a BIG job being someone's wife and mother. (imagine a 13 year-old--at heart--doing that kind of hard work 24/7? tough luck huh).

- had a kid. a more-than-beautiful, ever-so-bright, loving kid. 

- WATCHED BLUR PERFORM LIVE. and weezer. oh You're so kind, God.

- been taught the hard way about how to be financially independent. 

- not traveled much. still haven't had the kick (and the bucks!) to travel more.

- been able to understand and communicate with parents better. now that i'm the same age with them when they first had kids, it's reasonable. 

- lived away from my parents. thus embarking a new journey as a stay-at-home mother.  

compared to my parents, yes, i've done different things. i'm also not as tahan-banting and persistent at work as they were. 

but i sense that somehow i'm living the similar kind of safe lives that they have. 

we settled down. we try to live within our means. we take options with lesser risks. 

is it a discovery to be frowned upon? if i'm being honest, i'd say, a part of me has always wanted a simple, safe, and practical kind of life, anyway. 

also as a part of my contemplation, i tried to write down some things that i've learned upon being a 20-something. 

- that it's not necessary or even important to have a witty, or fun, or trendy, or know-it-all type of friends. not even if they're super nice to you. 

the ones who matter are those who truly care about you. and you need to choose wisely what kind of people you want to keep in your life. filter strictly to determine which are worth to keep. and then hold on tightly to ones who really care. 

- should you dream, dream big. make it as big as you can.

- but the real test comes when you're living the dream. whether it makes you or breaks you.

- that today, more than 12 years later, you can finally appreciate the top 40 music from your youth. one is because they are, in fact, good. second is because you no longer care about being defined as a certain kind of person from your choice of music. music is good because it's good. although i still don't dig K-pops or maher zein. i'm talking about sheila on 7's "dan," dewa 19's "kirana," and kla projects' "menjemput impian." ;))

- that you should NOT have gone to that dermatologist to do facial twice a month in your early 20s. because now it leaves damn scars and sponge-like skin :(((

- how you wish you've discovered the perfect foundation instead. 

- that sometimes you need to get out of the car, take public transportations, eat at food stalls, visit those orphanage or slum areas. not to prove how much you care, but simply to soften your heart. (inspired by kicauanien.tumblr.com)

- that you should dance, sing songs out loud, read heaps of beautiful books, watch movies that make you cry, write poems and proses, create arts and crafts, not to get money or fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow. (Kurt Vonnegut--one of my favorite authors--wrote it in a letter).

- that it's not how well or bad you were raised. but how life molds you and who you decided to be. (besides, how long can you blame your parents? not for the rest of your life, right?) 

- that it's perfectly okay to read self-help books. again, it doesn't define who you are or show your weakness. you read it because now they make perfect sense. you're no longer a college girl with broken heart issue, or who is mad at your mom for not allowing you to take that out-of-town trip. now you understand what the "cheese" is, why you need to form better life habits, or why you need to have your financial life sorted out. 

- that the job of taking care of a child 24/7 is EXPECTED to be filled with boredom, repetition, and even stress sometimes.

- that each of us has our own love language. 

- that there actually ARE persons who are glad when someone else is being fortunate, and not greedy, and won't tread on other people's heads (metaphorically) just to stand out among others. and i'm thankful to have encountered these so-not-of-this-earth people. 

- that the louder you yell, the less the kid will listen. to do it effectively, do the exact opposite thing: speak softly. (TOUGH work, though).

- that you can't expect a person to give what they don't have inside. can't expect sincere compliments from a person who never receives any. can't expect empathy from a person who never feels understood. and so on.

- that to make yourself feel better, sometimes it's not about finding the right answer, but about whether you ask the right question. "what are you passionate about? how do you want to be remembered after you're gone?" 
thanks, Kiti, for asking those questions to me :)

- remember "misi 21?" i think I can say i believe in its effectiveness now. scientists say it only takes 21 days to change a habit. in my case, after 21 days (although i wasn't even counting) of erasing path application, i no longer feel like i need the app at all. guess now i should try doing something positive consecutively and then make it my new habit. how 'bout sleeping at 9 pm sharp first? :))

- that happiness is indeed only real when shared. be it in a form of being suddenly silent together in a car when coldplay's "fix you" is heard from the speakers. or when the next-door neighbor brought you a dozen of jco just because. or when you cried on your friend's shoulder at your favorite band's concert.  

- "memories are a wonderful thing, if you don't have to deal with the past."

- almost fifteen years after high school, and i still can't figure out how life works, and what my duty is exactly on this earth.  

after watching "Never Let Me Go," written by Kazuo Ishiguro, i think the message conveyed in it is an analogy for our lives. the characters in the book/movie are "clones" who know exactly what they were created for. which is to complete the task of donating their organs. once they're done doing the donations, they will be dead, but they are said as having been "complete."

just like them, we are also here to complete each of our own tasks. although unlike the clones, we can't figure out what the tasks are clearly and easily. and maybe that's the point of living? to keep searching, and then to keep trying to be complete.  

- last but not least, i've learned that regular flossing and routine visits to the dentist are definitely a good investment. start it earlier for a better, brighter future with no root canal therapy involved.

i'm not writing this to sound mature and wise, though. i see it as a soliloquy, something i need to do to ease my heart a little, by cataloguing things that i have done and learned. 
i wish to learn more, and hopefully produce positive outcomes…. 

so, how am i feeling now? 

still jittery? 

guess there's no other way but to embrace it, huh? welcome, you big buffy three-o.