mengingat diri gue yang sejak dulu pemalu kelas berat/pengidap demam panggung akut, entah kenapa gue memilih untuk menyanyikan lagu yang gue pilih. dan sambil main gitar. lengkap pisan yah.
dan entah kenapa gue memilih lagu tertentu ini. bukannya lagu populer yang guru SMP gue bakal ngerti, misalnya, jadi kans gue dapat nilai bagus agak lebih besar. atau lagu dengan vokal yang butuh keahlian tertentu atau improvisasi meliuk-liuk kek, jadi lagi-lagi mungkin guru gue akan terpesona (meskipun gue ragu dese ngerti soal pitch control whatsoever berhubung those were the days when AFI wasn't even around yet) dan sebagai dampaknya, ngasih gue nilai bagus.
tapi, gue malah ngotot memilih satu lagu ini. lagu yang rasanya cuma dua anak lain di kelas yang ngeh. lagu yang nadanya cenderung datar bahkan membosankan; nggak butuh liukan vokal nan ciamik atau kalau dimainin pakai gitar pun cuma berisi ritme yang biasa-biasa aja.
gue inget waktu gue menyanyikan lagu itu, si guru penilai cuma melirik ke arah gue sebentar trus keliatan bosen. i don't blame her - she was a 40 something woman, living in a low-to-middle-class suburb and obviously never watched MTV.
udah bawaan gue untuk jadi overly self-conscious, bahkan sejak masih bocah kayak saat itu. normalnya, gue ngejaga banget perasaan lawan interaksi gue, dan bahkan bisa ikutan nggak nyaman kalo mereka nunjukin gelagat nggak nyaman because of what i say or do. that's how self-conscious i am (or was, maybe). tapi gue inget banget, saat nyanyi itu, gue nggak peduli sama reaksi si guru penilai. to hell with your boredom i thought. you can look as bored and unimpressed as you want but i'm still gonna finish this song 'til the very end.
and there, i sang it.
tapi ketika gue baru sampe di bagian menyanyikan chorus yang kedua kali, dia nyuruh gue berhenti.
"udah, cukup cukup" she said, and told me to get out.
i assumed she had finished scoring me.
yaudah sih. but how come that bitch didn't even let me finish?! that's what i thought then, and still do now.
sampe sekarang hal itu masih mengganggu gue. bukan, bukan karena nilai yang gue dapet - i got a 7. or equal as a "meh," "so-so," or even a "naon sih?"
i didn't care about nilai, i never (actually) did.
tapi karena dia memotong saat gue lagi menyanyi. meskipun gue tau dia nggak familiar sama sekali sama lagu, nggak ngerti di mana enaknya, dan bukan salah dia juga kalo dia nggak mencoba memahami letak 'berarti'nya lagu itu buat gue PADAHAL pekerjaan dia adalah guru seni musik dan menjadi sensitif serta mengapresiasi segala bentuk seni seharusnya menjadi hal yang naluriah buat dia.
no no, i don't blame her. because that's only a miniscule size of effect dari apa yang sudah diperbuat Orde Baru, spesifiknya di bidang pendidikan dalam 'kasus' gue ini, yaitu menciptakan kurikulum sedemikian rupa yang menganggap manusia sebagai statistik semata untuk diluluskan, but let's not go there this time. i should focus on how that little ignorant act made me feel. and on why it mattered to me.
dari awal, gue tau siapa audiens gue - yaitu si guru dengan segala profilnya tadi.dan gue sadar risikonya, bahwa lagu ini nggak akan mengesankan buat dia.
tapi siapalah gue waktu itu? a 15 year old kid. i didn't care about her, i didn't really care about EBTA praktek either. all i knew was that lirik lagu itu isi hati gue banget. atau dengan istilah sekarang: gue berniat curhat terselubung melalui lagu itu. waktu itu, impian gue adalah jadi vokalis sebuah band (yes, a laughable dream one might say) dan gue bisa meneriakkan kata-kata yang menjadi isi hati gue di hadapan ribuan orang (!) (a girl should dream big, right?!). of course i also wanted the fame and glory, tapi gue membayangkan kepuasan bernyanyi itu and i thought that's what i wanted to do for the rest of my life.
but it's not only about the singing. i did manage to have a band(s) later in my youth, and became a vocalist. tapi gue nggak pernah merasakan dorongan untuk menyanyikan suatu lagu dengan sama kuatnya seperti waktu EBTA praktek itu.
gue inget sekitar dua minggu sebelum momen EBTA praktek tersebut dan harus memilih lagu untuk dibawakan. saat itu gue punya ratusan kaset dan puluhan CD (i saved my money diligently). i could pick any song. i could pick any reason needed to pick a song. gue bisa ingin dapet nilai bagus. gue bisa ingin disukai. gue bisa ingin merasa senang karena udah membuktikan kemampuan gue bernyanyi.
tapi saat itu, cuma lagu ini yang 'berbicara' sama gue, dan mengerti gue.
i didn't even like oasis. haha.
but i needed to sing that song, in front of another person.
kalo dipikir-pikir sekarang, maybe i didn't wanna let go of the chance of having an audience (albeit a not so compatible one) and pouring out what i felt inside to another living, breathing individual. i took the only chance i had that time, to be heard, understood, and even though it's a stretch, comforted.
well, i soon found out where my choice led me. a plain seven.
as expected, my mission failed.
i took the chance and it haunts me.
"Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands
He walks along the open road of Love & Life
surviving if he can
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to stay
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
and as he faced the sun he cast no shadow
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As he faced the sun he cast no shadow
Here's a thought for every man
Who tries to understand what is in his hands
He walks along the open road of Love & Life
surviving if he can
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to say
Chained to all the places that he never wished to say
Bound with all the weight of all the words he tried to stay
and as faced the sun he cast no shadow
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
As they took his soul they stole his pride
And as he faced the sun he cast no shadow"
Coba saat itu lo rekam diri lo trus posting di sini. Kan jadi kebayang semua detil yang lo ceritain di atas.. hehe
ReplyDeletebut then, what's the entire point of writing about it? xD
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