i think you're teaching me about letting go.
first of all, gue sedang belajar melepas nyamannya rutinitas jadi ibu rumah tangga. yang selama anak sekolah bisa ngopi cantik sambil ketak-ketik (hehe). melepas kenyamanan bisa konek sama diri sendiri, dan kebebasan mengatur jadwal sesuka hati. i do terribly miss it at times. even though i could remember clearly how lonely i used to feel.
lalu yang kedua, gue belajar 'melepas' kiti untuk kembali ke inggris. to me, this was tougher than it looked like from the outside.
tentunya gue senenglah dia bisa meraih cita-citanya untuk lanjutin sekolah lagi, untuk hidup dan berkiprah lagi di inggris. it goes without saying that kalau dia seneng, gue juga akan seneng. tapi, di sisi lain, gue tau gue akan sangat kehilangan dia.
hampir setahun belakangan ini gue tersadarkan, kalau kiti bagi gue itu lebih dari sekadar teman atau sahabat. she's like my sister from a different mother. entah gimana hidup perlahan-lahan menyaring keberadaan orang-orang di sekitar gue. and she's one of the (very) few that's left. gue merasakan banget gimana kita bertumbuh bersama, dan alhamdulillah, ke arah yang sama. dia mengisi kekosongan di hati gue dengan sesuatu yang bukan cuma gue butuhin, tapi juga 'baik' buat gue. she fills my soul by 'teaching' me how to be a better person. dia juga menjelma jadi sosok yang "satu frekuensi" dengan gue. i feel stronger and more whole by our connection. tapi, gue juga sadar kalau dalam hidup ini kita perlu mandiri. bukan cuma secara fisik, keuangan, atau mental, tapi kalbu gue juga harus mandiri, dengan bersandar hanya kepada Allah.
jadi, sekarang ini gue sedang belajar, untuk meyakini kalau keberangkatan kiti kembali ke inggris pasti akan membawa lebih banyak kebaikan untuk dia, dan juga untuk gue.
yang ketiga, it's about my grandma. thankfully she's still alive. dua minggu lalu dia singgah ke tangerang bersama keluarga tante gue dari bengkulu. tante gue cerita kalau sejak tiga bulan belakangan ini beliau mulai pikun. usianya udah 78 tahun, so it's understandable. and it's bound to happen anyway, right? but it's hard for me to see her in this condition. matanya blank, dan dia bener-bener terlihat seperti anak-anak lagi. sosok wajahnya polos; nggak ada secorak beban kehidupan, rasa takut, atau kekhawatiran. she just seems... living in the present. and that's supposed to be... good, i assume?
but it feels like such a loss to me. kehilangan sosok nenek yang sangat pintar, yang mengajarkan gue banyak hal sedari kecil. sahabat pena gue. teman jalan-jalan gue. dan gue merasa sangaaaaat menyesal nggak memanfaatkan waktu sebelum tiga bulan lalu itu just to have a chat with her. before her old self went away for good....
dipikir-pikir, life should be easier that way - when we could finally let go.
masih banyak hal-hal lain yang perlu gue 'lepas.' entah karena masih bikin penasaran, bikin susah move on, atau bikin sakit hati.
number one on my (long) list, is definitely letting go of high school. someone once said to me that "high school never ends." bukan cuma kenangannya, tapi juga imaji yang melekat di dirilo dan orang-orang yang lo kenal saat itu, seolah abadi. i used to define myself with the kind of girl i was in high school. that way, i become my unfulfilled wishes, the boys i never got to date, the achievements i never made, and the kind of beauty, look or whatever that i never lived up to. i need to stop defining myself from those that i cannot change. because that chapter should've ended long ago.
jadi, yah, mungkin ini salah satu cara #realitycheck. living in the present by focusing on and appreciating what's in our lives now.
at this moment alone, i have an abundance of things to be grateful for. (aside from health, family, faith, and fulfillment of basic needs), i'm glad to have the chance to do something i love; the chance to learn a thing or two from life, death, and faith..
also the chance to feel, to grieve for, and, hopefully, finally to accept loss....
One Art
By Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
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