pulling our weight, pt.2

Baby, baby, baby
from the day I saw you / I really really want to catch your eye
There's something special 'bout you / I must really like you
Cause not a lotta guys are worth my time
Ooo baby, baby, baby
It's gettin kind of crazy / 'Cause you are takin over my mind
And it feels like oooooo / But you don't know my name...
Will you ever know it?

one day, i was driving when this song blared from the speakers. i immediately sang along to it, because i've always liked the catchy tune, alicia keys' soulful voice and everything about her music (yet please spare my jadoel playlist). 
until after awhile, i noticed something that made me smile. my mind prompted me to the nostalgic session i had with old letters and diaries. and how "boys" was always a main topic in my adolescent correspondency. haha. 
and the song, it's all about having a crush to somebody. a real big crush. a teenage flaming crush. to a person who "don't (even) know my name." ha. that is something i was sooo familiar with during my teenage years. you can even say unrequited love is the story of my life. 
:))

during high school, i had two special crushes that came so near to obssession (when i think about it now). 

the first one was on a guy in my class. he caught my attention from day one because i found him physically attractive for my type, hahaha. standar keren tahun 98 dululah: 'botak', tinggi, kemeja sekolah 'ketat' xD 

awalnya sih cuma suka liatin aja. until one day entah-bagemana-namanya-juga-abege, i started to obsess over him and being his girlfriend. hahaha. hormon!
but this naksir made me act so silly around him. kalo mau papasan di kantin, gue buru-buru balik badan (soalnya deg-degan bo!). kalo diajak ngomong, gue a-u-a-u doang (mencoba sok cool padahal gagapnya kumat). 
otomatis kalo ada urusan yang melibatkan dia, gue malah ogah-ogahan. menjauh. takut tambah keliatan konyol. oh me and super low self-esteem :)))

jadilah semua kenaksiran yang meluap-luap itu cuma dicurahkan di diary dan surat-surat panjang buat sahabat. hkahakhak. sepanjang SMA, ngomong sama dia cuma bisa dihitung pake jari. 
dianya sendiri gimana? tau nggak? naksir juga nggak? 
kalo tau, kayaknya sih enggak begitu tau yaa. karena gue 'kan rusuh sendiri aja. di depan orangnya malah sok cool dan banyakan diem. 
tapi kalo naksir juga, pas udah kelas 3 (dan dia udah punya pacar T___T), kata temennya, KONON dulu dia sempat naksir gue. dulunya kira-kira pas gue lagi naksir-naksirnya sama dia deh. hkakhakhkak TRAGIS. 

jadi begitulah, cintaku gagal sampai akibat rendahnya rasa percaya diri. :'}}}

oya, soundtrack untuk naksir gue ke dia ini nih: HAVE YOU EVER by BRANDY.
bikin pengen iris nadi!

have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry?
have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night?
have you ever tried to find the words but they don't come out right?
have you ever?? HAVE YOU EVEEEER?!!! (melolong)

funny thing is, maybe a month ago, i saw him unexpectedly. i was rushing bumy to KMC after the traumatic kejedot-dinding-lalu-benjol-gede incident. and then i walked hurriedly past... him. he was carrying his kid. but he didn't recognize me. so much for a long crush huh? hahaha (nangis)  tapi gue juga nggak negor soalnya muke lagi enggak banget lagi panik gela mau bawa anak ke UGD.

trus, cowok objek obsesi nomor 2, adalah cowok yang... boro-boro pernah ngobrol aja kagak. 
hormooon, hormoon. 
kalo diinget-inget, naksirnya sih gara-gara dia kece aja ya. ngobrol nggak pernah. lingkungan pertemanan juga nggak ada perpotongannya. pleeus, beda ras juga x))) 
misi bunuhdiri banget pokoknya. 
tapi naksirnya heboh bener deh. almost everybody in my high school tau kalo gue naksir dia. xD
mulai naik tingkat ya (kedodolannya), kalo dulu disimpen rapet-rapet, yang sekarang diumbar sejadi-jadinya. mungkin dulu maksudnya supaya gak mengulangi kegagalan. tapi hasilnya... SAMI MAWON. *puk puk diri sendiri 15 tahun lalu*

kenapa pas naksir sama si cowok #2 ini heboh banget? soalnya udah kelas 3 kali, temen makin banyak, kelas gue dulu juga sampah-sampah banget kelakuannya, hkakhakha (kisses for rebits ipa3!). jadi awalnya diledek-ledekin sama temen di bangku depan doang, merambah jadi diteriak-teriakin di kantin T___T "heey, X! dicariin riska tuh!" atau "X, dapet salam dari riska!"
*tenggak baygon*

padahal ik naksirnya bener-bener loohhh (disclaimer: lagi dirasuki diri versi 15 tahun lalu). 
diary penuuuh sama namanya. suka ngayal-ngayal pulang sekolah dianterin dia naik motornya B 6973 MU (hakkhakhakh ditato di otak!!). kalo hari itu liat dia di kantin, ngegambar lope gede-gede di diary malemnya. apalagi kalo temen-temen gue ada yang laporan "ris, tadi kata X salam balik" khahkakhhkak sanubari ini langsung bersenandung!

soundtrack gue saat naksir dia dulu (tarik napas, merem, mencoba nggak makin-jijik sama diri sendiri): PRETTY BOY by M2M. 
katanyeee demen bluuuurrrrr. britpopppp. indiiieeess. 
HKAKHKHAKHAK. teuinglah.

oh my pretty pretty boy i love you
like i never ever loved before you (lha sama yang sebelumnya ape tuh?)
pretty pretty boy of mine, tell me you love me too (goyang-goyang kepala bareng marion dan marit)

dulu lagu ini cocok soalnya dia ganteng banget booo. ya di mata guelah seenggaknya :)))
padahal kalo mau objektif, 'ni cowok dulu 80% idupnya pas sekolah diabisin buat bolos. bolos dan dikejar-kejar guru di kantin. hakahhka. gue juga demen bolos sih dulu, tapi main cantik ciin, kalo bolos nggak nongkrong di kantin. tapi di perpustakaan, ngadem :)))
udah gitu, let's face it laaa, gue mah sama sekali nggak masuk kriteria doi. #terpampangnyata kalo doi demennya cewek putih, rambut lurus, kurus langsing (dulu beta montok-ehem). kok tau banget, padahal bertukar katapun nggak pernah?
soalnya... beberapa bulan kemudian dia jadian aja gituuuu sama cewek satu angkatan T_____T
yanaseeeebbb. padahal sebelom gue taksir, dia kagak pacaran. kok begini amatttt nasib betaaa --> lagi-lagi, ini diri 15 tahun lalu yang ngomong :P

yang lucu juga, di tahun 2009 gue tanpa sengaja berpapasan dengan dia. di... pom bensin shell grogol. RANDOM ABIS. dulu gue lagi hamil guedeeee. buncit. muka bengkak dan penuh totol-totol hitam jerawat. oya, udah pake jilbab juga. trus tau-tau gue liat dia aja gitu pas abis sholat maghrib (idon'tforgetfaces). dia liat gue, tapi... (yak lagi-lagi) nggak mengenali. 
...YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAMEEEE (*nyanyi, bukan meratap*). 

masa SMA udah 15 tahun berlalu, tapi beneran, di kepala gue, semua ingatan dari masa itu terasa fresh banget. padahal kalo inget-inget masa kuliah, rasanya udah jauuuuh banget dari sekarang. apa mungkin karena...

masa yang indah / masa di SMA
masa yang penuh dengan canda tawaaa
masa yang selalu kita xyzyzfalfl (lupa lirik)
saat bersama di SMA satuuu (ini-konon-lagu "theme"-atau-apalah sekolah gue)

masa kuliah sih udah nggak terjadi lagi obsesi-berkedok-naksir begini... udah lebih 'serius' dan realistis: naksir sama orang yang bisa diajak ngobrol, yang bisa diusahakan untuk dikenal. dengan kata lain, pas kandas meweknya lebih drama dan lebih lama... hahahha. tapi gue masih rajin reportase kondisi hati di buku harian. gue bahkan inget pernah nulis 10 kriteria pria idaman. well, nggak nemu sih itu catatan ada di diary yang mana, tapiiii... ketika gue akhirnya sama adit, suatu hari gue keinget lagi sama si kriteria ini. daaan... kayaknya dia memenuhi sebagian besarnya deh. i remember listing down
- nggak putih (-putih amat) --> gara-gara trauma sama si cowok #2 gitu? entah.... tapi bagus juga sih, bisa jadi "disclaimer" atas pilihan pendamping hidup yang kulitnya TANNED. hahaha.
- percaya diri --> gue nggak suka sama cowok yang mencla-mencle, yang 'malu-malu' alias nggak bisa pasang badan kalo berada di awkward situation, yang bisa just say what he wants, bisa jadi leader. eh trus... ternyata adit pernah jadi ketua remaja mesjid... nyenggol dikit lah ya? hahkakhakh.
- bisa diajak ngobrol tentang apaa ajaaa (yang gue suka. which are random stuff) dan nyambung --> that's why we first clicked as friends in the first place. 
- badannya lebih tinggi dari gue --> :)))

yang lainnya sih nggak begitu inget. tapi gue agak terlongo-longo juga ketika mengingat-ingat ini lagi. ini kali ya wujud konspirasi alam semesta? kenapa dulu gue nggak mention "doesn't have receeding hairline" sekalian yaaa... hhuahuaha. 

entah kebetulan atau i was just getting older, gue sort of berhenti curhat di diary sejak bersama adit. bahkan dulu nulis blog aja sesekali doang. i guess it's true what they say, that sometimes you don't know what to say when you're 'happy.' at least it's true in my case. nggak ada bahan untuk di"drama"in hehehhe. 

the other day, we rode past the kos-kosan adit and i used to live in, which is only on the corner of our current street. and then bumy asked, "dulu bumy di mana, ma?" 
ah... i never thought i could have a child with that guy. this guy, the one beside me. i guess God really does give who is best for you and at the right time too. because now, every time i close my eyes, i thank the Lord that i've got him... hihihi. 

anyways, memang sih sudah pernah menulis di sini kalau mau bikin edisi nostalgia-gila membahas "pria-pria dalam hidupku." tapi the real trigger came to me today, saat sedang (lagi-lagi) menyetir, dan tiba-tiba terdengar lagu ini,

there are places i'll remember
all my life, though some have changed
some forever not for better
some have gone, and some remain
all these places had their moments with lovers and friends i still can recall
some are dead and some are living
in my life, i've loved them all.
but of all these friends and lovers,
there is no one compares with you
and these memories lose their meaning when i think of love as something new
though i know i'll never lose affection for people and things that went before
i know i'll often stop and think about them,
(but) in my life i love you more.

i played this song again, and i listened carefully to the lyrics. how i "often stop and think about them": people and events from my past. and how it all "lose their meaning" when i start to remember what i have now and who i end up with today. the memories are there, but they're merely decorations that attribute to my being as crazy/cool(?)/wise(??) as i am now. 
and the 'real work' is in my face: to nurture the love, and to make something out of the love (selain anak maksudnyee). 

hmm... jadi pengen karaoke.... (antiklimaks abis).

a birthday card for Adit in 2007

and i meant every. word. <3