on trying to navigate the world

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My end of week check in:

I feel tired yet satisfied. Beberapa 'agenda' berhasil terlaksana: makan bareng keluarga buat ngerayain ultah nyokap, nganter Bumy kejuaraan taekwondo, plus ngemol. Gue juga cukup bangga sama so-called pencapaian gue untuk makan lumayan bener minggu ini. Junk/fast food sangat terminimalisir, dan gue bisa maksain diri untuk mengonsumsi salad dan buah tiap hari. Yay me!

I need more time to just be alone and read but at the same have my kids around me, taken care of, preferably by the husband. That's precisely the ideal condition I'm craving, haha. Gue butuh dukungan buat narik napas dan leyeh-leyeh sejenak. Did I get that? Well, Adit facilitated it, sih. Pokoknya bocah-bocah dia yang ajak main keliling kompleks sampai suapin kalo bisa. Tapi emang minggu ini Sam bolak-balik demam dan batuk-batuk sampe muntah. Gue harus bawa dia kontrol cek darah dan inhalasi sendirian di hari kerja. Capek jiwa raga. Karena sepanjang malam juga bocah tidurnya nggak tenang; setiap 15 menit nyari nenen, rasanya. Udah mao gilaaaa hamba. 
Mencoba mengulang mantra yang dikukuhkan di awal minggu "that not everything will go my way, but I am flexible." 
Did it work? Yaaahh... kaya gak tau gue aja xD

It's also kinda hard to be emotionally present for the kids saat suasana lagi rungsing seperti itu. Guess I need to sharpen my emotional maturity for this issue. 

I forgive myself for lagi-lagi not having another family meeting. Lagi-lagi for not reading let alone finishing that book. Lagi-lagi myself for still nggak-sesabar-itu ke Bumy kalau lagi kzl :(( 

I celebrate pengalaman pertama Bumy ikut kejuaraan taekwondo fighting. It was scary as hell for him and for me. Tapi dia berani. And that rocks. I made sure I showed him the appreciation, semoga ngasih sesuatu yang positif ke hatinya.

I release kengototan gue to have everything worked out perfectly. 

I trust this process. This journey. Gue bisa lebih baik sama diri sendiri dan anak-anak dan keluarga. I'm on my way.