vapour trail

life is not so bad. it hasn't been thus far.

I tried waxing for the first time. legs only, though, it's a safe rookie move.

I did (and still've been doing) yoga and zumba at the office. 

but I've missed walking all by myself in the afternoon... heck I've even missed sunsets. 

literary-wise, I've been trying to finish reading "raden mandasia" and marie kondo's book and a book titled "emotional intelligence" - so yeah, I've reached the age where self-help genre doesn't sound like bullsh*t anymore.

I've been meeting and knowing and connecting with new interesting people.. most are younger than me, they put "mbak" in front of my name but it doesn't really matter, not to me at least.  

I met and talked and reconnected with old, beloved friends of mine. kiti and elmo. wawan. edo and other weich's "bear" friends. girls from citi. aside from talking about and romanticizing the past, the conversation also revealed some newfound "facts" and perspectives. it's kind of strange how you thought when you'd known a person for a long time, nothing would be so surprising.. it's like when you've walked through a familiar route for years, you don't anticipate different turns or detours. but sometimes, even with familiar faces and the usual interaction, you'll gain unexpected insights and perhaps learn something new about yourself. 

I've had some short getaways I haven't got time to "report" about here.. belitung, surabaya, bandung, tegal, cirebon, to name a few. those trips were short and tiring, but also refreshing and memorable. 

for instance, I remember that feeling I found when I visited Belitung.
one of the activities we sort of awaited for was island-hopping. well, being not-a-beach person that I am, suffice to say I was giddy and scared from the first moment we stepped onto the sand.
what are the odds, on our way to Lengkuas island, the weather suddenly worsened. and then the rain poured.. the wind blew hard... and o boy didn't the boat ROCK.. I was panicked.. but not really, because my mind was focused more on keeping Bumy and Abhi calm. Bumy even started to get a bit seasick. Abhi just closed his eyes we thought he fainted. 
but alhamdulillah, we managed to sail safely... as I looked back to the trip, I felt.. strange... a mixture of relief, victory, and delight. maybe I could call it being "happy" - for I've done something I've always been scared of. the journey wasn't perfect.. tapi untuk bikin bahagia mungkin emang diperluin ketidaksempurnaan dan ujian-ujian. 


the longer I've lived, the more I realize how true these words are..
"you are what you love, not what loves you." - from the movie "Adaptation."
I am shaped and built by the things I love.. things that make me feel alive. things I'm willing to sacrifice for. 
it's what really matters: the things that uniquely gives meaning to my life. those things might be futile and insignificant for other people, but to me, they're fundamental. 
whether or not those "things" love me back doesn't define who I am. 

it just crossed my mind in a flash, on a hot afternoon at Grand Lucky SCBD's parking lot.. the realization that I've lost the sense of who I am and how I've lost "love." maybe it's love for the life God has bestowed upon me, or love for things that make me passionate, or maybe both... 
and I think I've been mistakenly trying to find it in hopeless places... by settling in a job I don't like, and oppressing my heart's calling, and steering away from God's path... 
my source of LOVE, it never leaves, it has always been within me all along. waiting to be nurtured and rekindled and refined. 

I am what I love. 
it's the things that I like, the things (people, activities, choices) that spark joy inside me. 
so let them lead.. let love guide me to the "track" of self-growth and blessing...

"some psychologists classify every emotion as either love (attraction) or fear (aversion). it's not unusual for humans to base almost every decision on fear: fear of rejection, fear of poverty, fear of looking dumb, and so on. but.. I've seen that fear-based decisions lead to hollow victories at best, endless regret at worst.
only love-based decisions create lasting happiness." 
(Martha Beck)

at a place called "happiness" :D 
at hanamasa... remembering and honouring Weich <3


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